I have debated and debated typing out this post and pressing the dreaded “Publish” button, but after much thought and prayer and conversations with those I trust, I felt the need to write this post.
To complete it.
To share it.
And most importantly perhaps, to move past it and beyond it.
I wrote this out several weeks ago in my personal prayer journal; the place where my hopes and fears collide onto white lined paper.
I wrote it after, yet another, heart chip. I refuse to call them heart breaks as I don’t believe I have ever really, truly been in love. Not yet at least. But, this fragile, but resilient heart has experienced many, many chips along the way.
Perhaps it started in high school, when I fell into a mad & overwhelming crush with a young man that played in our church praise band. We went out a few times in groups and one-on-one and “hung out” as we tended to call it then and I was absolutely hopelessly, ‘forget-about-it’ smitten. That is until another young, bright-eyed, beautiful girl came to visit our youth group one Wednesday night and the game was over. She was everything I wasn’t. Bold. Unapologetic. Flirtatious. And, I could hardly blame her for her beauty and bubbly personality, but the two became an instant item and I was left out in the cold, without so much as an explanation. Forgotten.
At the time, it felt so public to me. I felt like my heart was exposed to the whole of the youth group and so, I retreated.
Even deeper into myself.
And I began to build the wall.
Brick by brick it became stronger throughout the remainder of high school and throughout college and has continued through young adulthood as well. Fortified. Sturdy. And I’ve been comfortable behind it.
And when a young man comes around and I feel those old, familiar feelings, and I allow myself to get excited, to feel the butterflies, and I want to fall, something stops me.
I lean into the wall.
And so I make determined & concerted efforts to be vulnerable. To share. To be real. To be… me. And brick by brick, the wall starts to crumble a bit, at least enough for me to hop over the edge and join him on the other side of it.
And then I dream. I imagine.
That night in my plush hotel room, after this latest heart chip, I wrote these words…
Tonight, a well broke loose. And I needed it.
I needed Him, I needed You, Father! And I’m always grateful and amazed that you know what is in this heart before the words ever spill out of my lips or find its way to paper.
I feel as if you have given me this desire. This desire to share my life with someone, to grow old with them, to raise a family, and to serve You faithfully together. I feel that it is God-ordained and God-given.
And yet without it, without that someone, I feel like a piece of me is forever missing. Like I am incomplete.
I am often consumed with this fear. The idea of being alone. At times, it’s almost suffocating.
Why does this have to be so hard for some and so easy for others?
The timing always off?
The right one everyone assures you exists never around the corner?
Is it supposed to be this way?
I want nothing less than His absolute best for me and I refuse to settle for anything less. You have been nothing but faithful always providing your absolute best for me- choice of college, major, job at an amazing company, incredible friends and family, and your absolute best comes in the form of Paul & Debbie each and every day. Why would I begin to doubt that your best for me is still yet to come?
Father, I will be honest, I no longer am certain if what you have for me is marriage, if that is included in your best plans, but I remain hopeful and prayerful.
But, until then, whenever “then” may be, I am asking that the piece of me that I feel is missing, that incomplete that is listed on the ledger of my heart, be removed.
Water-proofed and airtight.
If it’s not from You or of You, I am asking for it to be removed and filled with more of You. Because, in Your eyes, I know that I am worthy.
And if “His” if all I ever am, I ask for joy and contentment to overwhelm my heart and soul, leaving no remnants of that fear or ache of loneliness.
May being His, always, always be enough…
Dear One, if you are reading my scattered thoughts and heart cries above and you feel like the reason I typed this out was for you to read it, you would be right. That is why I have typed it out and pressed “Publish.” Not for selfish gain or to see how many likes or shares I can get out of this one, but it is to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings. I think somehow, someway that helps. To know that your familiar feelings, aches, pains, longings are familiar to someone else as well.
But, I don’t want them to be familiar any more.
I want them to feel foreign. Because that “missing” piece of me, is replaced. Plugged up. Whole.
I hope and pray you find wholeness and completeness in Him and Him alone.
No him can do that. Not even the best of ones…